August** Plans: A To-Do List for the End of Summer

1) Eat peaches procured from Dillard's Peaches in Greer (aka the best peaches east of the Mississippi). Try not to say, "Wow, these peaches are so great!!" with every bite.

2) Take full advantage of Duran Duran Appreciation Day and play every DD song on Youtube. All. Day.

3) Finish knitting my first-ever sweater-for-me, just in time to put it away until, what? January?

4) Start novel revision by getting all 50,000+ words in one place (more or less in order) on the computer.

5) Begin outline for this November's NaNoWriMo novel, by deciding if an evil twin is necessary or if a nefarious look-alike is sufficient in the cast of characters, PLUS--which one of the people I know in my real life will get killed off this time?? Fictionally, of course.

6) Read City of Heroes: The Great Charleston Earthquake of 1886 in time for the 124th anniversary of the big quake on August 31.

7) Try to take in some of TCM's Summer Under the Stars, especially Norma Shearer on the 13th and Katherine Hepburn on the 20th.

8) Take lots of walks, storing up the memory of the heat and humidity for the long winter days ahead. Bwahahahaha!

**august-adj: respected and impressive
**August-noun: the eighth month of the year

Epiphany!

Today is Epiphany, the day the Wise Men visited the Christ Child and threw out all the leftover Christmas cookies and candy. They also brought expensive and extravagant gifts to honor the newborn King, but we would never have known about their visit if they had not been so instrumental in helping Mary stick to her New Year's diet resolution. Being Wise, they looked around at all the sweets and said, "Thou ought to consume less sugar, then thou wilt have more energy to look after thine household." And their sage advice left such an impression on Mary that their visit got moved to the top of the list in her guest book, ensuring that it would be remembered for ages to come.

So, join with me, won't you, and get rid of the leftover sugar cookies, the fudge, the chocolate cherry marvels, and that last little heal of banana bread that has been sitting on the kitchen counter getting the slightest bit moldy. You'll be glad you did and your friends and family will recognize your wisdom, handed down through the generations from the Magi. If, on the off chance that your family misunderstands your efforts of sagacity, just tell them what day it is and that this is how Epiphany should be celebrated. And let me know if that works!

My Very Own LOLcat

"Someone call UPS--I'm mailing myself to a tuna boat to get some lunch."
OR
"Oh, so that's where kittens come from!"
OR
"Yep, Amazon really does sell everything!"

Top 6 Things I Don't Want for Christmas

The other day, DaHubby was de-cluttering and ran across some papers that were old and dusty and from my other life. They were "Top 10" lists that I had written in the early 90's while peddling books and sharing wisdom and wise-cracks with friends local and otherwise. Although I have to admit to loud guffawing several times when he read them off to me, I realize they were rather specific inside jokes to those of us slaving in the Christian bookstore industry in the last decade of the last century, so I'll spare you. I will, however inflict you with a new, fresh....

Top 6 Things I Don't Want for Christmas

6) New compilation CD by Christian Barbershop Quartets: "Mighty to Shave"
5) "365 Reasons Why Today is Not Your Day" Calendar
4) Shag carpet for the dashboard of my car
3)Yarn hand spun from the fur of a smelly dog.
2) New Bose 8-Track Tape Player!
1) Grow Your Own Pet Rock

But seriously, may your Christmas be filled with many blessings and much laughter!!

Yeah, I'm old-fashioned, what of it??

95 As a 1930s wife, I am Very Superior Take the test!

Another Bad Joke Friday

The last Bad Joke Friday was such fun, especially the contributions of Becky and Dale, that I decided to have another one!

**********************************************************************

Did you hear the one about the botanist who was trying to research some details about a particular kind of fern? He sent a request to all his colleagues, asking them to send him any information they had about it.

Unfortunately, he didn't word his request very well, and all the botanists he'd contacted thought he was looking for details about any ferns, rather than just the one species. So within just a few hours of sending it out, his fax machine was buzzing with piles of useless documents about all kinds of ferns - there were tree ferns and wood ferns, ostrich ferns and cinnamon ferns... but very few about the particular type he wanted.

So he sent another message to everyone:

If it ain't bracken, don't fax it.

***********************************************************

Q: Why is a trumpet player like an Egyptian Ruler?
A: They have their Tutankhamen.

***********************************************************

Q: What's a mummy's favorite type of music?
A: Wrap.

Bad Joke Friday

Q: Why does a chicken coop have two doors?

A: Because if it had four doors it would be a chicken sedan.

************************************************************

Did you hear the one about the dromedary whose fur was an amazingly close match in color to the desert sand? He was almost impossible to see.

Some called him 'the invisible dromedary', but in reality he wasn't invisible; he was just really well camel-flaged.

NOT my New Year's Resolutions...

1) Get bumper stickers representing ALL the Presidential candidates and put them all on the car.
2) Buy a big box of curriculum and force my children to sit in school desks every day while they complete it.
3) Put the local traffic police on speed dial and report license numbers of drivers who cut me off in traffic.
4) Give away all my knitting needles and yarn.
5) Sit in the front window with the curtains open and a pair of binoculars. Every day.
6) Only watch movies made after 1990.
7) Convert my blog to all politics, all the time.

And since it's 2008, the 8th thing that is NOT my New Year's Resolution:
8) Throw out all the dishes and use nothing but paper, plastic and Styrofoam from now on!

A Funny Day in History

It's the birthday of one-half of that comedic duo, Abbott and Costello. "Bud" Abbott was born on this day in 1897. As a child I fondly remember their movies (in re-runs on tv, people, I am NOT that old!), but have as an adult discovered that they were really good on radio. The smallfry and I have been listening to a cd collection of A & C on radio shows from the 1940's (of course!) and I laugh so hard I can barely see. Not a good thing, since I'm the one driving!!



It's also the birthday of Julius Henry Marx, known and loved as Groucho.

And it's the anniversary of Johnny Carson taking over the desk at the Tonight Show.

Is it just me, or is all that enough to declare today some sort of national holiday?

Ahoy there, Mateys!

Scribe Tarred Eye here from the sea dog ship Calypso's Dishonor to inform ye that today is International Talk Like a Pirate Day. My good friend Black Morty Rackham so kindly reminded me of this fact. And it be a good thing, too. Me and the little pirate lass and the little pirate lad have been busy of late. We were watchin' that excellent show "Pirates of Penzance" and completely lost track of what day it be.
So remember that tis a glorious thing t'be a Pirate King and have a pleasant day. Aaarrgh!

Friday Funny

Studies show that laughter is good for you--so what are you waiting for?

Q: What do you call a female moth?
A: Myth!

Q: Why do whales live in salt water?
A: Pepper water makes them sneeze!

Q: What do you get when you cross an otter with a duck?
A: I don't know either but it would be otterly reduckulous!

Ok, now, big finish....
A little girl walked into a pet store and lispingly asked the owner if he had any "widdle wabbits" for sale.
The shop owner thought this was adorable and crouching down replied," That depends. Would you wike a white widdle wabbit, a bwack widdle wabbit or a wed widdle wabbit?"
Replied the girl,"I don't fink my pyfon weally cares."

$10 Worth of What???

So I'm frying up some sausage for supper (yeah, I know, I know, health food it ain't, but I live in the South and hey! at least I'm cooking!), and here comes JrBravesFanatic ("Mommy, if she gets to be SuperCraftyDancerGirl on your blog, who do I get to be??").
Behold the Silly Putty fashion show:

Which just goes to show you that you never really know what they'll do when you let them buy $10 worth of Silly Putty. Yes, that's right, the world being in the shape it's in, I let JrBravesFanatic spend $10 of his own money on Silly Putty. Instead of putting it in his college fund. Hey, he's only going to be young once! And I ask you, has Obi-Wan ever looked so stylicious?

Summer Re-runs

It's hot, folks, and August is just about wearing me out! So, instead of expending any actual or implied energy on a new post today, I'm going to re-run one of my very first posts, Palmetto Time. Enjoy!

At least it's cooler there...

You're Vermont!

Making mountains out of molehills is your specialty. Then you sell
tickets for people to ski down the slippery slopes of said molehills. What you lack in
elevation you make up for in syrupy sweetness to those around you. It has been noted that
perhaps you are too likely to stick to others, and thus become a nuisance to those you
hoped to sweeten. In your wardrobe at home, you have more than just great
coats.


Take the State Quiz
at the Blue Pyramid.

Who's on first??

The following exchange took place a few weeks ago, before the trade which brought Teixeira to Atlanta and re-arranged the line-up.

My 6yo Braves fanatic: Mama, do you know who bats after Chipper?
Me: Is it Andruw?
Braves fanatic: Yeah, do you know who bats after him?
Me (trying to do something like, cook): Umm...Francouer?
Braves fanatic (surely going somewhere with this line of questioning): Yeah. Do you know who bats after him?
Me: Um....no.
Braves fanatic: Me neither, I can't remember his name....but the one after that?
Me: No, baby, I don't know.
Braves fanatic: Aww come on, Mom, it's your favorite Braves player!
Me: Oh, McCann!
Braves fanatic: Right!

And that was it! Was this some sort of test that little boys give their moms? Did I pass? Am I cool? I don't know the answer to that but I do know that I'm extremely glad of one thing: He hasn't asked me "who bats when" since the line-up got changed. Don't tell him this, but I haven't been paying as much attention!

Head for the hills!

Perhaps I stick my head in the sand, live in denial, whatever, but I pretty much avoid watching news shows on TV. Even the kids have figured out that TV news = bad news. Between the scary things in the back of my veggie drawer and the relentless recurrence with which everything in this house needs to be cleaned, I've ample opportunity for dread.

And lets not forget blogland (the land of blog?) wherein the unsuspecting inquiring mind can be led to something like Caffeinated Lip Balm. So help me. And Shower Shock Caffeinated Soap. No, really. Scary, ain't it? What will Stardollars coffee do to counter-act this blatant infringement on their turf? Think about it--if everyone's getting their caffeine buzz elsewhere, it could lead to vacant storefronts on every corner in America. Thousands of out-of-work barristas with no marketable job skills, forming their own special-interest groups, gathering for a Billion Barrista Bevy, tossing out sound-bites to news services ("the very structure of our society is eroding", "it's time to stop the insanity--we must bring back coffee", "if not in my generation, then for my children").

It's a scary world out there, people. Stick to tea.

Looks like a two cuppa day

Looks like a two cuppa day (that's English Breakfast, 2 lumps, with a dash of milk).

Late-ish last night I finished the roll-brim hat made with my lovely Knit Picks circulars (really, getting my first Knit Picks order was a sort of milestone for me, I don't know why), and it's entirely too small for a grown person's head. Unless that grown person has a freakishly small head--not that there's anything wrong with that.

So, instead of working toward some measurable and/or attainable goal this morning, I'm sitting at the computer finding all sorts of interesting websites:

* Captain Bob has this cool site all about education, natural learning, motivation and, of course, tall ships.

*Oh, how we all wish we had a Crazy Aunt Purl. It's nice to know that cat hair makes one loopy. I thought it was something hereditary and unavoidable---at least cat hair isn't hereditary!

*Could it be that punks will save me from my knitting errors? Stay tuned...

Time to put the kettle back on for the second cuppa...right after I shuffle out to the back yard in my pajamas and slippers and throw pool toys at the squirrel hanging upside down from the bird feeder. Again. Grrr...

It's the first day of June---Time for:

My plans for the summer....


**Catch some Palmetto Bugs and train them to do a circus act

**Meet more of the neighbors---put a car on concrete blocks in the yard and see who drops by first from the home owners association

**Find a way to feel good about the fact that the thought of going camping makes me shudder

**Knit wool sweaters while sitting on the beach, within the path of kids dripping ocean and sand on everything in sight

**Form a support group for those of us who'd rather have dental work than go camping

**Once a week, frantically load bottled water and batteries into a cart at the store, muttering loudly, "Storm's coming... oh dear oh dear... such a big storm...gotta stock up..."

**Begin blogging the minutiae of my day....8 am: Got out bed. 8:05 am: Went to the kitchen 8:06 am: Put kettle on for tea....

**Plan a camping trip for the hottest day of the summer

**Talk like a pirate while in line at the grocery store

**Pick the squirrels off the bird feeder with a super soaker water gun. Laugh maniacally...while talking like a pirate...

**Pull all the grass and leave the weeds. Put up signs that say "Wildflowers: Do Not Mow"

Be glad it's only five

Someone recently forwarded to me a very worthy email, all about choosing to have a good attitude and deciding to be happy.

At the bottom of the missive was a list, and if you are a regular reader of this blog (it's possible---there could be someone!) you may have noticed that I have a penchant for lists.

So here is the list from that encouraging little email....

Five Simple Rules to be Happy:
1) Free your heart from hatred.
2) Free your mind from worries.
3) Live simply.
4) Give more.
5) Expect less.

While the average person may read this (heck, since it was one of those notorious forwards, chances are EVERYone has read it!) and be inspired, nay, strengthened in his or hear daily existence, I however find it only leads me to compose my own list. Perhaps due to my streak of cheeky sarcasm, exacerbated by lack of sleep and too much PG Wodehouse...whatever the reason, here are my very own...

Five Easy Rules for Complicating the Simplest of Endeavors

1) Muck about with your Netflix queue so that instead of a witty, urbane romantic comedy, you end up with "Barney: Shake Your Dino Tail" for a date night movie. (No apologies to Barney)

2) Promise to knit something for someone, but only after you have UFO's (for the non-knitter: UnFinished Objects) on every pair of needles you own. This works best if at least 2 UFO's are for rapidly approaching birthdays, and the newly promised knitting has a very short deadline.

3) Decide to homeschool, then surround yourself with public school teachers who moonlight as truant officers and curriculum experts. Extra points here for having teachers who are directly related to the children in your homeschool. (Not that there's anything wrong with that...)

4) Spend a morning creating gingerbread houses with the kids. Add lots of candy and frosting, then leave them on a 3-foot high table. Go out of town for the day. Leave the dog in the house. Enjoy coming home to clean up what she DIDN'T eat; really enjoy the fun groaning sounds she makes for the next several hours.

5) Paint your nails before leaving the house for the kid's dance practice, thinking you've got adequate time for the polish to dry. Arrive at the studio in time to wire plastic leaves on real trees (it's a recital prop, of course!) for 2 hours. For maximum impact, wear a knee-length skirt that makes it impossible to crawl over scenery.

Today's Quote...

"The most wasted of all days is one without laughter."

e. e. cummings
(poet, painter, essayist, playwright)